Oprah does not understand my life

[rikibeth]

eternaleponine has been on the phone ever since I got home from work, over three hours ago. This is probably the only reason why I clicked on a link about 6 shoes every woman should own.

For those of you who don't feel like clicking through, the shoes in question are the Little Black Pump (they show PATENT, and suggest 2" kitten heels), the Comfortable Flat, the Evening Shoe, the Sleek Comfort Sneaker, the Tall Boot, and the All-Weather Boot. Apparently you also need gym sneakers, but these don't COUNT or something, because you're not supposed to wear them outside the gym, never mind that they still cost money and you have to BUY them.

Okay. I do own a pair of black pumps. I bought them around 1994 when I worked in an office. I cannot remember the last time I wore the things.

Comfortable flats? They show a pair of red ballet flats and say that they can take you from office to evening. One, I don't work in an office, and, two, if I did, do you SERIOUSLY think ONE pair in ONE color would work with every damn thing I owned? Okay, since I pretty much wear all black, I probably could just have red flats and they'd go, but HONESTLY, people. If you are the sort to wear colorful ballet flats, you need more than one color.

The Evening Shoe. Actually, I have a pair of black satin high heeled evening sandals, and I do wear them when I need an unmistakably feminine shoe that isn't a boot. There is no way in HELL I'd ever wear those bronze sequined open-toed monstrosities they show on the page. EVER.

The Sleek Comfort Sneaker -- they show some ghastly orange leather hipster quasi-Adidas thing. UGH.

The Tall Boot -- yes, I'm a fan of boots. We will go into this more when I start taking about MY shoes.

The All-Weather Boot -- um, sure, but not those green wellies, thanks.

Here's MY essential shoes:

The Black Pump The Black 8- or 10-eye Doc Marten Boot. Wear 'em every day to work. Good ankle support, non-slip sole, good arch support when I add my orthotics. Also basic enough to go with most other things I like to wear, if I clean them up.

The Comfortable Flat The Slip-On Vans. For any time I want something light and comfortable. Mostly I wear black ones with a skull print, but I also have pink and black checks. I admit they're not very stylish with skirts, so that niche is filled by the TUK Kittycat Mary Janes.

The Evening Shoe Apart from the aforementioned satin sandals, this role is probably filled most often by either the Dainty Vintage Granny Boots (ankle boot) or the Pennangalan Fetish Boots (knee-high, patent leather, eight buckles with shiny metal plates and a 4" heel with 2" platform). These work MUCH better with MY Fancy Going-Out Clothes than any sort of sequined open-toed thing with a BOW on the instep, fercrissakes.

The Sleek Comfort Sneaker The Converse All-Star, Dammit. My favorite pair is purple. I also have a red pair and a black pair. I wouldn't mind having a few more colors, because they're cute, but purple really takes care of most of my needs. I've determined that they look very nice with pencil skirts.

The Tall Boot The 20-eye Doc Marten. Oh hell yes. Lace over skinny jeans, wear with pencil skirts, wear with dresses that have crinolines under them, wear with cargo shorts -- these are my favorite tall boots, no question about it! I have some more conventional riding-style boots around, with and without heels, but I can't think of the last time I wore them. 20-eye Docs RULE.

The All-Weather Boot Enough Wonder Balsam, and the Docs are FINE. I actually really like tall Docs plus skirts and tights for snow, because then I don't have wet trouser cuffs. Snow SHOVELING is the work pair plus fleece pants that I can change out of when I get inside.

I notice a lack of Summer Sandals in the essentials list. I'm still working on finding a pair I really like, because my tan Birkenstock Arizonas, while very comfy, are butt-ugly, and the cheap gold flip-flops I picked up aren't really the thing. But it would help to have a pair of light, comfortable sandals that looked nice with skirts.

I have more shoes than this. The ones I wear most often besides these are ALSO boots. Right now I need a pair of ASS-KICKING boots to use on the pizza delivery, because it's been an hour and a half. I called and they ARE going to give it to us free, but I'd like it to GET here, thanks.

I don't really live a ballet-flats kind of life.