Livejournal As Social Space, or, Don't Be A Fuckmuppet

See, this is why I needed a "fuckmuppet" icon. Since I haven't got one, the rude Cookie Monster that I think I swiped from chowyunsmut will have to serve.

Further disclaimer: this post is not intended as a passive-aggressive move on my part. I've already discussed these things privately with one concerned party. If you think this post applies to you, and I haven't discussed it privately with you? That's between you and your conscience, then, because I either haven't got a complaint, or I don't think I'm close enough to you that it matters.

So. On to the actual ESSAY.

Open posts on Livejournal are, essentially, a public forum. This is an open post. You Google for something or someone mentioned in it, it'll show up, just as if you published it in a newspaper.

But I don't see my Livejournal as a newspaper. I see each post as more in the nature of a party I'm hosting.

Public posts are sort of like the old Laundry Club Wednesday gatherings in the back room of the Denny's in East Hartford that isn't there any more, near the Showcase Cinemas that also isn't there any more. Technically, anyone could come in. In practice, since it wasn't an advertised event, only the friends who knew about it showed up, but you could always bring in a new person, or maybe even someone from outside would notice the people playing Magic over in the corner and ask to join in. And, since it was a public place, you really had to keep your behavior suitable for being in public.

However, public posts aren't the only sort of posts on LJ. Lots of people, me included, make posts that are friendslocked, or filtered to an even tighter group than all-their-friends. Google won't let you see a friendslocked post, or at least it shouldn't. I lock and filter a lot of things -- friendslock keeps current and potential future employers from seeing me bitch about work, I've got filters (for example) that keep my daughter and some of the other under-18s on my friendslist from seeing discussion not suitable for kids, you get the idea. Locked posts, to me, are a private party I'm holding at my "house."

And I expect the sort of civilized behavior you'd exhibit at a real, 3-D, face-to-face party.

What's the most common warning for parties I've seen? Okay, right after "we have cats, medicate as necessary," it's "No Psychodrama." Or variations like "Psychodrama will be videotaped and posted to YouTube."

I'm not so much for the videotaping. I'd rather avoid it in the first place.

"Jake, don't you lecture me on proper behavior as a guest. The first time I laid eyes on you, you were trying to start a fight in Sharpie's ballroom--"

"Huh? But I was fully justi--"

"Dreck. No one is ever justified in starting a fight under a host's roof. The very most that can be justified under extreme provocation is to tell the other party privately that you are ready to meet him at another time and place. Jake, I don't enjoy teaching manners to my senior. But your parents neglected you, so I must. If I offend you-- if you feel entitled to call me out, I will accommodate you at any other time and place."

(Robert A. Heinlein, The Number of the Beast)

Yes, that "privately" means "take it to e-mail." No fighting in my comments threads.

There's another component to this as well, a principle that I've watched both in action and in absence for much of my life, but didn't really think about until ataniell93 called my attention to it: the principle of avoiding lashon hara, speaking ill of others. Yes, it's a component of Jewish observance. No, I didn't learn about it in my childhood religious education -- quite the opposite. You have never HEARD a more gossipy bunch of cats than Jewish women of a certain age and socioeconomic background -- mangosteen, I see you nodding there, you know what I'm talking about. And I observed more about its absence on the Internet, Back In The Day -- I first encountered Usenet in 1987, folks, back before fandom_wank was even a flicker in the mods' neurons. Anyway.

I've noticed that my life goes much more smoothly if I make a practice of avoiding lashon hara, or at least restricting it to tight audiences. If I have an uncomplimentary opinion, I try not to broadcast it -- I'll warn people who might be directly affected, and I might snark a bit one-on-one with a couple of close friends, but I try not to be bitchy in a fashion that could find its way back to the subject and upset them. My opinions are just that -- opinions, not infallible pronouncements. And I figure as long as people's behavior isn't hurting me or people I care about... let 'em do what they want. Just let me do the same.

I'm not perfect. It's FUN to be snarky and bitchy about things, and I can be tempted into it pretty easily. And "Someone else started it and I just joined in" is NOT a good excuse. I know that.

But there's a point where it stops being fun. That's why I don't read things like fandom_wank or dot_poly_snark any more. It's too much like the "slam books" that caused so much grief in sixth grade.

And I'd like for my comments threads not to turn into that, either.

I'm not in the habit of banning people. And I very rarely delete comments. But if something's getting too wanky for me, I might decide that particular party is over, and lock down a post. And I might decide that there need to be filters to keep certain people away from certain other people -- just like there are some combinations you don't invite to the same parties, even if you like each individual just fine on their own.

Expecting everyone to get along all the time is one of those Geek Social Fallacies. I don't expect it.

But I do expect that if you CAN'T, you can have the courtesy to carry on your disagreement in private.

In other words:

Don't Be A Fuckmuppet.

Mount Holyoke alumnae shout-out

ghilledhu, lordavon, witchchild, go introduce yourselves to ihadtimetokill, a girl I met at the Alkaline Trio concert last year.

She's just applied for transfer from Holyoke Community College to Mount Holyoke.

And she's a RHPS girl.

Go give her encouragement!